A Personal Tale of the Rising Kundalini
When we hear and accept the Goddess's call,
our Kundalini begins to rise. Then, we must be willing to observe not only our
thoughts and feelings, but our behavior as well. When our chakras begin to open
and Kundalini begins Her rise to our crown, our behaviors often get more "out of
control" than usual. That is, our behavior is out of our ego's control.
As our Soul begins to take residence in our
physical bodies, it needs to flush out old patterns of fear, limitation,
separation, and unworthiness. These patterns and beliefs are often the
foundation that our egos have used to define themselves. Hence, the battle
between our ego and our Soul begins.
Our ego functions from the self-image that we
have created for ourselves, as well as the self-image that others have created
for us. Once we have begun the process of balancing and healing our childhood,
our emotions, and our thoughts, we can learn to accept ourselves for who we are
and not for who we should be.
However, until then, our unconscious needs
and desires are too often only discovered through our behavior. This process
becomes greatly amplified when the Kundalini begins to rise. The balancing and
healing of our past is a slow process, one that is dynamic throughout our entire
life. That is, of course, if we do NOT live in denial.
When we deny our pain, of both the past and
the present, we become locked into unconscious reactions to life because the
unconscious pain of the past amplifies the pain of the present. For example, if
someone is late to pick us up we may become slightly angry. However, if our
parents were always late to pick us up, and we had many experiences of being
frightened or embarrassed, that old pain will piggyback onto the current
situation. We then may find ourselves being enraged because our friend is ten
When we are able to reveal and heal our old
pain, our reactions to the present can be based on the present situation and the
present person. The echoes of the past will no longer haunt us and cause us to
react inappropriately. If we know that we are very sensitive about time, we can
consciously deal with the situation in an adult manner. For example, we would
only ask reliable people to pick us up, be sure to be the driver, or find
another solution so that the same situation that hurts our feelings does not
If we can observe our behavior, we can begin
to understand the unconscious motivations behind it. Often it is only through
our behavior, and through our "failures," that we are able to flush out and heal
old pain and fear.
This personal history of the
Kundalini rising is presented as my personal case study for others to better
understand how behavior can tell us the truths that our minds and emotions
THE FIRST CHAKRA
It was 1974, and I had it all. I was married,
which meant I was "good enough." I had two children who loved me
unconditionally. Unconditional love, yes, unconditional love was a secret
yearning that came from a memory of the time "before." However, I had never
found it on this world, this place that I lived in, but could never call Home.
I owned my house, and I didn't have to leave
my children to go to work (a strong 50's message), and I had lots and lots of
time to look at my life. Or was it my life? No, it was everyone else's life. It
was the life that I was supposed to have. It was a good "outside life." By that
I mean that anyone on the outside could look at my life and say, "What a good
But, what did I say about my life? I said,
"Where did I go?" However, in order to find out where I had gone, I had to find
out who I was.
I had spent my life being who I was supposed
to be and had never had time to be who “I” was. Early in my childhood I had
neglected my inner life, my real life, my Self. I had hidden my Self away
because it was too different from everyone around me. Being different was a very
"bad" thing. If you were different you were NOT "good enough."
I had grown up in the 50's and early 60's,
the first wave of the Baby Boomers. I had been programmed well by my family and
my society. I had lost the sense of who I was and had embraced the idea of who I
was supposed to be. And now I had it all! I was miserable and lonely. I was
lonely for my Self. The only time I could be my Self was with my kids and a very
few friends. I was 28 years old and I was VERY tired.
I looked around at the life that SHOULD have
made me happy. I had everything. I had a new home that we owned; a marriage, two
kids, a girl and a boy, and I could stay home with the children. According to
the 1950's sit-coms, I should be gloriously happy. However, it was 1974.
Luckily, I was still cashing in on the tail
of the hippie era. We had huge parties, two to three times a week, and our home
was always filled with people and fun. When we moved into our new house, I
planted the entire yard, from weeds to landscaping, planted a vegetable garden
and made all the curtains, pillows, quilts. I was very creative. Now I needed to
begin to create myself.
All my creativity aroused the Goddess within
me and she began calling me to join Her. But, I could not feel Her love. All I
could feel was Her intense loneliness. "Where am I?" I would ask myself, and
"What is this place?" I have everything that society and my family told me to
get, yet I am horribly unhappy. Why?
I began my search with my best friends,
books. I searched furiously because I could feel the demon of depression closing
in on me like a dark cloud. All that I had, all that I had attained, meant
nothing to this demon for it engulfed everything in its darkness.
The red doors of the unconscious were opening
before me and I could not close them. "Perhaps I should stop resisting and allow
the craziness to overtake me," I pondered. But two of my book friends, I
Never Promised You a Rose Garden, and Eden Express, showed
me that insanity was NOT the answer.
Then I found another book, Richard
Hiddleman's 28 Day Plan for Yoga, which showed me another path, the
spiritual path. Instead of giving in to insanity, I decided I would let go of
what THEY wanted me to do. But I didn't know how.
Luckily, my Soul had heard my call and
gradually started altering my behavior. I had gone down to my deepest
unconscious and felt the ancient pain that had been hiding there my entire life;
in fact, my entire "lives." Because of that journey, a glimmer of my spirit was
able to filter through the vast network of walls and camouflages that I had
built around me in those 28 years.
At the end of each day's yoga session,
Hiddleman wrote, "Now, listen to your body." I had no concept of what that
meant. My body was not me, it never had been me. My body was the trap that kept
me from going Home. My body was what separated me from...what? I did not know. I
only knew that I wanted to feel connected again, connected to something INSIDE.
I continued to read every book I could find
about yoga, yoga sutra, spirituality, meditation, everything. One book, and I do
not remember which one, said, "When you step upon The Path, you must do so
ALONE." Well, I had felt alone my entire life so that was not too ominous for
In fact, the only time I didn't feel alone
was when I was with my Self, the one I had abandoned to get married and live in
denial. Fortunately, there were also my children and a few, very few, special
friends. My spirituality had always been something I had experienced alone. Even
when I was with my gregarious teen church group, I felt different and alone.
Then I met Mrs. Reed. My friend, one of the
special ones, introduced me to her, and I instantly knew she was my teacher.
However, I think it was about a year before I was ready to begin studying with
her. I had to decide to make my spiritual growth more important than the many
emotional dramas that filled my life. Practicing yoga is what helped me make
that decision. Yoga gave me a taste of peace, and I wanted more!
After studying about the ascended Masters and
astrology with Mrs. Reed for a while, I gained the courage to go to graduate
school to finish my major and get a license. As Kundalini began to awaken, the
Goddess told me that I could not be free in the world that I lived in until I
could support my children and myself.
Graduate school was a great mirror for my
many unconscious fears. My first fear was that I was too "stupid" to get a MA
degree. Therefore, my second fear was that I would fail the comprehensive
examination. However, both of these conscious fears paled behind my unconscious
fear, which was, "If I get a masters and a job, I will have to leave my unhappy
marriage and be ALONE." There is that word again. I thought I wasn't afraid to
be alone, at least not consciously afraid.
Because my conscious and unconscious mind was
not in agreement, I had to create a cover story. "I know," I told myself, "I am
going to school to save my marriage." In reality, the reason I was going to
school was to leave my marriage; two very different opinions to be locked in one
mind. Luckily, or unluckily, my mind was very busy learning many new things and
worrying about "failing the comps," which of course I did. But, that was much
My mind was a wonderful liar, and it believed
my cover story. I thought that I was determined to achieve my goal, but which
goal? Was my goal to leave the marriage or save the marriage? Was my goal to get
my degree or fail my comps? Was my goal to follow my inner guidance as I had
learned from Mrs. Reed, or was my goal to manipulate the "Higher Beings" to give
me comfort rather than the truth?
My body was very confused and a very poor
liar. My body knew that the first chakra's adrenal glands were firing adrenaline
into my system, that I was totally ungrounded, and that I was going in opposite
directions with every thought. My body also knew that a war, about which I was
totally oblivious, was being waged inside me. It will be "fine", came a voice
that I labeled as spirit. In actuality, it was the voice of denial.
Denial is a tricky deal. When you live in
denial in your outside world, how can you determine if you are living in denial
in your inside world? Was I saying it would be fine, or was my spiritual
guidance saying that it would be fine? Well, I had a simple solution, I denied
that I was living in denial.
Meanwhile, my body was in stop/go, stop/go,
stop/go mode. I had five car accidents in one year. None of these were my
fault. Denial! And while doing yoga, one stormy evening when I was alone, I
wrenched my right knee. Now, that was an interesting message from my body. The
right knee, the masculine side, which teaches us how to step out into the world,
the shock absorber of
"learning-how-to-go-out-into-the-world-to-take-care-of-yourself," was giving me
The right knee, which is on the right leg
that pushes the brakes and the accelerator in the car so that you DON'T have
five car accidents, was in great pain. Was my body telling me to slow down and
watch where I was going? Was my body telling me that I was experiencing a great
deal of psychic pain? Was my body telling me that I should bend my knee to my
higher guidance and listen rather than direct?
No, I denied, my hurt was bad luck, just like
the car accidents. But luckily my higher guidance was protecting me. I did
listen to it sometimes. On the way to school I would chant "Blaze, Blaze, Blaze
the Violet Fire, transmuting all shadow into Light, Light, Light". When I tried
to study in my tension-filled house, I would chant, "Nothing will disturb my
My higher guidance even came to me in a
blazing ball of golden light one night when I was ALONE. It was just before I
was to take the comprehensive examinations. The golden light entered my bedroom
and slowly approached my bedside. Had it come to warn me, to tell me that I was
NOT in the state of mind to take on such a big challenge? I never learned the
answer because I hid under the covers until it was gone. Oh, the joys of denial.
When I learned that I had failed the "comps,"
I blamed God for "leading me astray." But later, after I had taken the
responsibility for my own inner battle, after I had learned that I created my
own reality, and after I had learned that fear has as much power to create as
love, I passed the exams.
FINAL INITIATION OF THE FIRST CHAKRA
I can forgive myself for my youthful mistakes
because now I see that it all was a grand drama,” all the world is a stage,"
that would crescendo into my final initiation. Through the last year of graduate
school, I had dream after dream of great disasters involving just my children
and me, ALONE. We always survived.
I can look back at this time and think that I
was having a nervous breakdown, or I can look back and think that I was having a
spiritual initiation. I choose the latter. A nervous breakdown can be "bad luck"
or "a major setback", whereas as spiritual initiation is "a difficult transition
into a better person." Well it WAS a difficult transition, and I do believe that
I became a better person. I became a better person because I learned some very
When I got the grim notice in the mail that I
had failed, all my illusions burst in one great explosion. I could no longer
deny that I was miserable. Then, when my husband spent that night of my "bad
news" away from home, away from me, I could no longer deny that my marriage was
over. The next day, after one of the worst nights of my life, with my kids, our
dog, and my school and spiritual books, I left. I left that house and I left
that life. I would take the test again, and I would pass because I was no longer
at war with myself.
My unconscious and my Soul had won. I learned
that I was NOT stupid. In fact, I learned that I was smart and powerful. I also
learned to listen to my Soul when it tried to warn me. But, of course, at the
time I probably would not have heeded the warning if I had heard it.
I had to manifest my greatest fears so that I
could conquer them. I had to fail in order to learn that I was strong enough to
try again and succeed. I had to fail to finally break through my wall of denial
to find the courage to leave a bad situation and face my fear of being alone.
And, I had to fail in order to learn to distinguish between the voice of fear
and the Voice of Soul.
Through my behavior, I had proven to myself
what my Soul had always known. My first chakra had opened. What a ride! I
learned to support myself for the first time, I created a new home, and I
learned that I could integrate my masculine and feminine energy to create a NEW
LIFE. I stepped upon the first step to Soul. Now I had to LIVE it...
THE FIRST STEP TO SOUL
The small child had grown up. It had taken
much longer than she had ever intended. And even though she felt like an adult,
she knew that there was a center that was still soft and vulnerable.
If she were to give that center up, she knew
she would become hard and inflexible. For in the center, she felt pain. In
feeling pain she could remember to learn and grow and change.
Now, she had to learn how to guide herself,
not just from her strong, adult exterior, but also from the soft vulnerable
interior that was the center of her Self. She had to learn to shield that center
from the outside pain while she still allowed love to enter from the ones whom
This center was the threshold to her inner
life. The inner worlds were now fully accessible to her. Upon that threshold she
would place her deepest love and trust so that she would be protected and guided
in every moment of her life.
Inside the doorway of that threshold was a
pillar of light with a shining crystal atop it. This pillar guarded the first
step to Soul. The light of this pillar would always shine to remind her of the
spiritual life-force which flowed continuously from her Soul into her physical
She entered the doorway and stepped upon the
first step to Soul. Standing tall, she peered into the crystal and saw a bright
red glow. As her vision focused, she realized that red glow was a flame ~ A
FLAME OF COURAGE!
She would need this courage to
maintain the responsibilities of her everyday life while she continued her inner
journey up the Seven Steps to Soul.
CONTINUE TO THE SECOND CHAKRA
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