PATH 1993
It is only through exploring the deepest depths
And the highest heights of our emotions,
And mastering them BOTH,
That we are able to transmute
EMOTION into INTUITION.
Once I began to trust my intuitions enough to write them down, I found that a floodgate of information came to me through my writings. However, first I had to release some old pain and sorrow. In order to receive the TRUTH, I had to be truthful with myself about how I was really feeling. I wrote in third person, past tense to fool my ego into releasing truths about my inner self that had been hiding in my unconscious for a lifetime. As I look back on these old writings, I can remember the degree of sadness and loneliness I felt for Home. I still have all emotions, positive and negative, but that deep psychic pain has been released. Thank you Goddess!!
4-23-93
This morning has come very early. My mind dances and whirls through a myriad of options, decisions and responsibilities.
“It is your time now!” The voice has said.
Does that mean that this is my long awaited moment? For years and years I have prepared for this. For all my life I have awaited it. But now the waiting is over. The preparations are complete. Now, it is my time. Have I prepared myself well enough? Am I stable enough to stand the weight and centered enough to stay on my path? Can I ignore the outside pulls and guide myself solely from my own inner pilot?
My questions cause doubt and the doubt causes confusion. I cannot afford to be doubtful or confused at this time or I will surely lose my way. Moment by moment, step by step I have to carefully venture into the unknown. Fortunately, I have worked for many, many years to recognize a certain quality of consciousness, an inner feeling that has become familiar and comforting.
If I can surround myself with this feeling, if I can maintain my consciousness at this vibration, then I can feel safe. Then, I can enter the unknown surrounded by the known. By doing that, I will not need to feel alone or afraid. I can wrap myself in an essence of love and protection so that I can radiate that which I feel within to my outside world. Then, I can allow that light to guide me through the darkest places.
If I can do this, I will be free of fear. Without fear I will have peace. With peace I can remember to remember who I truly am. I can see through the veil of illusion and live in Truth. That Truth will set me free.
5-22-93
It has be a long time since I have gone Home. I have left the struggle and strife of physical life, but I have been so busy that I haven’t returned all the way Home for many rounds of birth and death, and death and birth. I need to go all the way Home at the end of this round. I am very tired and as though like I would not like to return here ever again. But I want to make sure of that. Therefore, I will wait. I will stay until everything is done, and everything is cleaned up.
It has been difficult to stay so long when I am so tired. Meanwhile, the situations around me grow worse and worse every day. What makes the stay here easier is my work, my friends, nature and the birds. Human love is wonderful, but at the same time very unpredictable. It is like the weather, unpredictable and impossible to control. Sometimes the weather is sunny, and sometimes there are storms. On the other hand, the sun is invigorating, and the storms are necessary to clear the air.
So I will stay until I have finished. However, I am not going to return here again, at least not in this form. This present form has always been difficult for me. I have had a hard time staying in it. I will move around inside my spirit and, before I know it, there is my form—alone and abandoned beneath me. The pain of my own personal abandonment at a very young age forced me from my form into a strong inner life.
I have forgotten to forget the “in-between”, like the “others” have. The “others” are like aliens to me. I have searched through other societies and places, most of them long since gone, in hopes of finding my Home. But alas, Home is not here where my form is. My home has always been deep inside my inner life.
I must keep my secret as the others would believe me insane. But I have to make some connections here because my form begins to deteriorate very quickly when I leave it for too long. There must be a way that I can keep the connection between my wandering Spirit and my physical body. There must be a way that I can keep my consciousness at Home and, somehow, extend myself so that I also inhabit my physical body. Then, I can complete all my work, once and for all, so that I can finally return Home—FOREVER.
I will find that way. I know I can’t return Home yet. If I can find a way to live Home in my heart and mind while my feet and hands do the work of my mundane life, I can live deep inside of myself at the same time that I am fulfilling my responsibilities and completing my duties. When I can find this way, I will have peace. I will be free. I can be here and Home at the same time. Then I would be free to leave.
6-23-93
I have decided to let the feelings overcome me. They have been swirling around me like a hot wind for as long as I can remember.
Why now? Why so sick? “It’s a death,” I hear from deep inside. “It is a death of something, someone, a way of thinking, and a way of living.” Soon it will be over. Soon I will be free of it.
However, it—whatever it is—doesn’t want to leave. It clings to me like an infant child. It can’t survive without me. Without me, it will cry. Without me, there will be no one to nurture it and to keep it alive. Without me, it will wither away until it can no longer survive. But, I have to release it. Even though it is all I have known, I have to release it!
It is what has kept me alive—alive and struggling, struggling even though I felt totally alone, struggling even though there was no one to understand me, no one to comfort me and no one to know me except me—my deepest, secret self.
This secret self has protected me from everything, from everyone. So, what is dying? Is it my secret self that is dying or is it what my secret self has protected me from that is dying? What, and who, will be left when this war is over? Live—No, die—No, live. I feel the battle being waged within my body.
I will have to take a side soon. I can no longer just observe. I will have to choose. Which one will live? Where will I place my spark, deep inside my secret self, or in the one who the secret self is protecting?
When it is all over, whom will I be?
8-16-93
There is a plan. I am sure of that. However, I’m not sure of what that plan is. I know that, on some level, I am aware of what the plane is, but it is difficult for me to hold my consciousness at that vibration. This recent turn of events has frightened and excited me. For a long time I have awaited this moment, but now that I am here I wonder if I am strong enough to survive it.
Yes, survival, that is the question. Am I surviving, fighting, experiencing creating or allowing? I have survived before, moving through day after day in a numb, depressed way. Merely putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that the ground would be there to meet it. Now that I have determined to fight, I am no longer numb or depressed. I am terrified.
However, as I struggle to raise my consciousness, I find that I can be more detached and can experience life without taking it all so personally. I can live life without being in constant battle. I am gradually gaining enough strength of will to be able to be an active member in the creation of my life.
This activity of accepting responsibility for the life I am creating has raised my consciousness greatly. At last, I have come to the place where it is time for me to let go. Ever so gradually I have released all the controls of my life that I have fought so hard to gain. Yes, I have released these controls and handed them over to Spirit.
Now I am out of control, or in absolute control, depending entirely on where I hold my consciousness. As long as my free will is in harmony with my Divine Life, I can feel myself in the Captain’s seat. However, when I lose connection with my Soul, I feel like a small child being led around by its mother.
Wonderfully enough, I am a happy, secure child being led by a loving, protective mother. So when I need to be a child, I can feel my Soul above me like a guardian angel, and when I want to be an adult I can feel the radiation of my Soul coming from deep within the core of my very essence.
What’s more, things are beginning to happen now. Things that in the past would have depressed or frightened me, now only remind me to remember to stay at the top of the survival scale—above the pain. I have felt enough pain in this life, and I do not want to feel it anymore. Sometimes I feel like a tightrope walker without a net. I will have to keep my concentration and my balance.
I cannot allow my emotions to take control of me, nor can I allow random thoughts to invade my mind and threaten my concentration. I have to stay within my center and keep my harmony. Nothing can destroy my harmony because I choose to harmonize my free will with my Divine Life. This “Divine Life” is beginning to unfold before, and within, me now. As it does so, it will bring even greater change.
Can I remain the master of my self and not allow these changes to frighten me? Can I remember to maintain my deep connection with my self and all that I have fought for, experienced, created and allowed?
I have to!! There is no other choice. To stop the process now would plunge me deeply into the jaws of pain and set me back into the near death of survival.
Therefore, I will “keep on keeping on” into the unknown. Sometimes the trail is dim and leads into the mists, but it has a golden radiation and feels of Soul. I will feel this radiation over, under, around and through me. I will feel this golden radiation of Soul within my heart and within my mind and try to express it with my every word and every action. Then I will BE the feeling. I will BE the feeling of Soul.
8-17-93
I HARMONIZE MY FREE WILL WITH THE DIVINE LIFE
SO THAT I CAN FOLLOW THE PATH OF SOUL
My One,
Remember that I AM always with you. As you have traveled the arduous path of my kingdom, you shall reap the fruits of your labors. Freedom is the greatest blessing upon you, and peace is the essence of your new life. Live in the knowledge, my One that one who has traversed the dangerous path of themselves to unite with their soul shall be used as the vessel they have proven themselves to be.
As your Divine Life is unfolding before you, you can more easily follow your Soul’s path. Doubt and fear are your only enemies, and they arise from deep within your lower self. You must remember to keep your free will in alignment with your Soul’s will so that they can become the same. Your ego will has had its way for many, many life times. Since this part of you has its awareness in Earth time, it will take “time” for it to surrender its power to its own highest component.
The presence of time simultaneously with the absence of time is confusing, but it is something that you will grow accustomed to as you your awareness embraces both your inner and outer planes. When something is created in the Soul Plane, it is instant. However, the process of grounding this creation on the physical plane is bound by its laws of time and space. Also, if your free will falls out of harmony with your Soul, the creation may be aborted before it has become stabilized on the physical world. Therefore, your task is to receive your inner instruction by raising your consciousness to that of Soul.
As Soul you can receive your Path from the Spiritual Hierarchy, and then it is instantly created. However, this moment of creation must move down the lower planes and into the physical. The path down the vibration world to the physical has many obstacles. It must pass through the void to gain its essence. Then the ethereal plane will enshroud it with the first particles of materialism. As the creation moves into the mental worlds, you must remember to think of it as a completed creation, and hold its reality in your mind as first person, present. Push away all doubts. As the creation moves into the astral plane you must use your will power to transmute any fear and to keep your desire on the feeling of the wish fulfilled.
Within the physical world, disregard any sensory information that is contrary to your creation and hold the reality of it always in your inner vision, thoughts, and feeling. All the time of your creation’s birth, be joyous as the journey has come to an end. Now it has become manifest. At this point remember that it is not yours. It was an assignment from the inner planes. Release it at once. You shall travel with your creations for as long as your path dictates, but remain detached at all times.
Your job may have only been to bring it into manifestation. If you get ego attached to the creation, then you will no longer have your free will harmonized with the Divine Life, and you will be pulled from the path of Soul. Many great people have only been able to have only one great creation within a lifetime, because they became ego detached to it and lost their future creative powers.
Remember, it comes not from you but through you.
8-28-93
The joy and the fear were so intermingled that it was difficult to differentiate between them. The promise of something better competed with the fear of losing the old security. A new security would have to be gained. But how?
I suspected that I would have to face this fear because it was what threatened my higher consciousness the most. Therefore, it had to leave. In order to fulfill my soul’s destiny I had to keep my consciousness high—high above worry and doubt.
Therefore, my greatest fears would have to be placed before me so that I could face them—once and for all. Then they could leave, and I could be FREE!
11-25-93
In the three months between August and November, my meditations brought my awareness onto the threshold of the fifth dimension, and I found that my work had just begun. First there was a rather lengthy acclamation to the increased vibration of this dimension. Luckily, a Greeter met me and assisted me in my process.
The means of communication and perception are very different on this plane, and when I first arrived, I was practically blind and deaf. Upon my first arrival I could only see the brilliant grass. When the Greeter spoke to me his words came all at once. It took me a while to understand him, as I was used to hearing words spoken one at a time strung out in a sequence. Once I became adjusted to this new communication, I found it much simpler and more efficient. At the exact moment that I had a thought, there was also a response.
As time went on, I was ready to perceive a little more than the grassy hill. There was a golden city just beyond the next hill, and my Greeter took me there when I was ready for my next challenge. Now, of course, I must tell you about transportation upon the fifth dimension. One does not travel from place to place. Instead, they change their mental focus to that place, and they are instantly there. Therefore, when I said the city was beyond the next hill, what I meant was that as one perceives a larger picture they see several hills and then a city. But to go to the city, one does not travel across the hills. Instead they perceive only the city and they are instantly there.
When my Greeter took me first to the city my vibration was too low to clearly perceive it or to perceive its inhabitants. I was “out of phase.” I merely experienced a bright golden glow and a large structure of wavering boundaries. As I eventually learned to raise my vibration, I realized that there was indeed a thriving town with many inhabitants. But again, “experience” was very different as I could only experience as much of the city as I could perceive.
At first, I could only perceive a bench with a being sitting upon it. I say being as the inhabitants of this plane are not necessarily in the form of Earthlings. They can change their appearance to any form they wish. However, one can only experience what they can perceive and can perceive only that which they believe is possible or expected. At first I could only experience human forms in male or female bodies, because that is what I expected. However, later I learned that beings would happily change their shape to make me feel more comfortable.
At first, I could only have very limited experiences of the city because I could not control my thoughts. Remember that all one has to do to experience a place is to think of it. Well it also works that everything that one thinks of is experienced. So if I were to think of a green dragon walking down the street, then there one was. Unfortunately, other members of the street would also experience this green dragon if they experienced me. To make it easier to understand, if they were to perceive me, then they would also experience all my thought and the creators of my thoughts.
In order to not experience my green dragon, they would also have to not experience me. Therefore, I was somewhat of a burden to the community, because those around me had to make an effort to shield them selves from me and the unpleasant manifestations which I was still unable to control. The members of the city held no malice towards me as they saw my greater self and could read my field to understand that I was a beginner. Just as it is more acceptable for a toddler to have a tantrum in public than it is for an adult, it was acceptable for a new visitor to this plane to not be able to control all their thoughts and feelings. The residents merely left my process to the care of my Greeter as one on the physical plane would leave the child in the care of its parent. The difference, of course, was that when one ignored something on this plane it did not exist to them.
You notice how my vocabulary is devoid of words like “see” or “hear.” This elimination of terms is because they are not pertinent upon this plane. The fifth dimensional senses of perception are very different. One perceives and experiences only that which they choose. In this way, much can happen in the same time and same place without any confusion.
“Time” and “place” are also terms that are extinct in the fifth dimension, as they are terms that have relevance only within the physical or astral worlds. On the fifth dimension the only time is “NOW” and the only place is “HERE”. Every thought is instantly brought into creation in this here and now, hence my green dragon. Because of this fact, my visits to the city remained only on the outskirts where other beginners, like me, and other helpful inhabitants, would interact in this fashion that was still new to us.
After each journey to the outskirts of town, my Greeter and I would return to the grassy hill for further instructions. Eventually, I became aware of a brilliant glow off in the distance. When I questioned my Greeter as to what it was, he replied by placing me in the center of it. All I can remember of that experience is that it was intolerable. I felt as though I were in the core of a fire ball. The vibration was so far above mine that I felt like a dry log in a fire, but because there is no physical perception at all upon this plane, there was no pain. My Greater quickly returned me to the vibration of the grassy hill, or the “threshold” as I later learned to call it.
“What was that?” I exclaimed.
“That is where you shall be!”
“Impossible.” was my only response.
In 1994, and in every year since, I have learned that NOTHING is impossible!
